He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.