Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps