[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.