If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.