I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.