I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?