I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.