I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion