I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.