One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.