I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.