Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.