Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.