What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.