You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.