Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.