Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.