The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm single because I was born that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.