Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.