I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.