I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.