When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.