Men are as faithful as their options.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.