Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.