I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.