Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?