Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

No good deed goes unpunished.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?