Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.