There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.