Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.