If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?