The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?