Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.