The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.