Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.