I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.