When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.