I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.