We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.