I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.