All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.