Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Sex is an emotion in motion.