Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.