Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.