I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.