Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.