Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!