I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.