I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.