The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.