My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.