Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.