My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.