Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion