I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.