A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.