I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.