If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.