It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.