Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.