I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?