If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.