Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.