One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm single because I was born that way.