I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
No good deed goes unpunished.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.