I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!