Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.