I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.