I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?