I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.