Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.