I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?