There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.