Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Men are as faithful as their options.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.