If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?