I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.