Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.