Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

No good deed goes unpunished.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.