I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.