The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!