Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.