I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.