I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.