Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.