If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.