I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.