I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?