Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
