If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?