The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.