If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.