I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.