Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.