My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.