I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.