When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.