You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.