You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.