The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.