If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.