I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.