The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?