If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.