Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.