Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.