I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.