When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.