I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

No good deed goes unpunished.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?