I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

No good deed goes unpunished.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.