I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!