I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.