There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.