You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.