I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.