I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.