Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.