I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.