To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.