My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?