If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.