I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.