Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

No good deed goes unpunished.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?