A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.