Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?