I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.