Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.