Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm single because I was born that way.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?