The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.