The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.