When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.