What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.