Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.