Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.