Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.