If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.