I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.