When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.