Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.