You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.