I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.