Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.