Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.