You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.