I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.