I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money