Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.