Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…