Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.