I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.