That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.