Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.