A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.