I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.