Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.