It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.