I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.