You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.