Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.