I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.