I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.