I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.