Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.