Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments