I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.