I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.