I'm single because I was born that way.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.