Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.