If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.