You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.