A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.