Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.