Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.