The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.