Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.