It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.