A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!