I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.