Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.