We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!