I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.