But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
