I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.