A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.