You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.