I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.