Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.