Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.