Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.