You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.