I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.