Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?