I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!