Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.