I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.