If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?