In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.