I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.