I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.