The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.