I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down