It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.