Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.