Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.