I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.