I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.