Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.