He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.