All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.