If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.