When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.