Men are as faithful as their options.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.