Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.