In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.