If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.