It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!