The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.