A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.