You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
No good deed goes unpunished.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.