You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.