A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.