I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.