What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.