Women are made to be loved not understood.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.