What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.