A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.