Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.