At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.