I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.