I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.