As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.