I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.