I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.