Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.