There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?