Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.