You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.