If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.