Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion