If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.