A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.