I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.