I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.