Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Men are as faithful as their options.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.