I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?