A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.