Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

No good deed goes unpunished.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.