Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.