I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?