If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.