Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.