By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.