Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.