There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.