The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.