Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.