But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.