Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.