A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.