I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.