I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.