I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm single because I was born that way.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.