Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.