Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.