If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.