I drink to make other people more interesting.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!