Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.