There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.