Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.