Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.