Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.