Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.