Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.