Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.