When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.