Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No good deed goes unpunished.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.