If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.