He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.