I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.