Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.