I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.