If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.