I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.