The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.