Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.