I'm single because I was born that way.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?