I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.