Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I'm single because I was born that way.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.