I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.