I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.