I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.