I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.